The Devil In Me
by InTheCompanyOfDragons
Summary: Cas could take away the hallucinations, but he could never take away Sam's hell


The Devil in Me

It had been twenty two hours since they had busted Sam out of the loony bin, and Dean was still sitting at the small rickety table in the corner of the musty motel room watching his brother sleep, and waiting to wake him up when the nightmares got to be too much.

It didn't take long for Dean to realize that Castiel had taken Sam's hallucinations, but he hadn't taken the deep scars that marred his brother's soul. Sam could still remember, he still knew everything that happened to him, he just didn't have the devil on his shoulder anymore that kept him from sleeping.

Dean knew they were going to have to talk about this, he had ignored it before and look where they had ended up, and even now with Lucifer gone Sam was still struggling with the memories and they were going to have to find something to help him out.

This time Sam slept for a couple of hours before Dean began to notice hitches in his breathing, it was the same way Sam had started off anytime he had nightmares when they were kids, but this time it was different, this was hell and Dean knew all about those kinds of dreams. Dean walked over as Sam began to toss and turn, his face wrinkling up in pain that Sam had felt "years" earlier. Dean put a hand on his brother's shoulder and rubbed it gently.

"C'mon Sammy, wake up." Sam gasped and flinched away from Dean's hand, trying to get his eyes to focus in his sleepy haze. He winced as his injured ribs protested the sudden movement, before his eyes finally focused on his brother.

"D-dean?" Sam forced out.

"Yeah right here." Sam closed his eyes and flushed in embarrassment.

"Shit… sorry…" Dean smiled softly and sat down next to Sam on the bed.

"You don't have to apologize… not for that." Sam nodded and leaned back against the headboard, and he scanned the room slowly, pushing hard on the long healed scar on his hand. Dean frowned a he followed his brothers gaze.

"You still got an imaginary friend I need to know about Sammy?"

"No… whatever Cas did worked… he's gone…"

"Okay… so… what's wrong?" Sam frowned, and rubbed his hands against his jeans like he didn't know what to do with them.

"It's hard to explain..." Dean sighed.

"Look, I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but you can if you want. And I don't just mean right now… you don't ever have to hold back the hell stuff Sammy… I mean I may be the only person who can kind of understand." Sam eyed his brother searching for truth in his eyes, and then he nodded slowly.

"It's the silence… with Lucifer gone it's too quiet." Dean grinded his teeth together at the thought of Lucifer in Sam's head, he still had trouble with the thought that Sam had been threatened by a monster he couldn't see or fight.

"So after all those months of constant babble, its too quiet in here?" Sam tensed a little bit.

"That's part of it…"

"Okay… and what's the other part of it?" Sam tilted his head at Dean, and Dean shivered. "Okay… so this is about the cage too?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay so tell me. Why does the quiet remind you of the cage?" Sam sniffled a little, and Dean could tell Sam was trying to hold back tears, but Dean said nothing. They didn't cry much in this life, but hell was a good reason to shed a few tears.

"You got to understand Dean I was down there for so long… well soul me was anyway… and I remember the torture, how painful it was and for the first fifty years or so, I fought them tooth and nail, I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they beat me." Dean let a few tears of his own drip down his cheek, he had never let himself think about how long Sam had been gone, and it hurt too much. Sam was watching him intently as he wiped away the tears.

"Keep going Sammy, its okay."

"After that Lucifer changed his plan… and he would leave me in quiet darkness for years. No sound or light for such a long time… I would lose track of how much time had passed… and then when he finally came for me, no matter how much he hurt me… I was…"

"Grateful." Dean finished for him. Dean knew where this was going he had never experienced it himself but he tortured souls who had been dealt the same torture. Sam looked up with wide eyes, fighting for an explanation.

"The wires got so jumbled up and crossed in my head, that I started to forget that pain was a bad thing… and after a while it started to feel like a good thing. At least when he was hurting me, he was acknowledging my existence, and for just a moment I felt real… I felt alive… shit that sounds even crazier when I say it out loud…"

"Sammy, you aren't crazy. I get it, and I'll help anyway I can." Sam smiled sadly.

"You can't take away my cage match scars, anymore then I can take away your hell formed guilt Dean…"

"You're right, but I can help." Dean stood, and walked across them room, turning on a small light across the room and on his way back he turned on the TV, turning it up a little bit on some random news channel before walking back over to Sam who was watching him curiously.

"What are you doing Dean?" Dean smiled.

"There's light over there, and sound from the TV, and I'm right here with you."

"You can't always be here Dean."

"Hey listen to me Sammy, I am never going to let you be alone in the dark again okay? You aren't there anymore, and I am not letting you go again." Sam sobbed out a laugh, and lowered his head to Dean's shoulders, and Dean let him as tears soaked into his shirt.

"I can feel it Dean, my soul… it's broken…" Dean sighed and brought his arm to wrap around his brothers shoulder.

"So is mine kiddo."

"Can we fix it?" Sam asked quietly.

"We can try…"

"I want to stay alive Dean… I don't want to die bloody, I don't want to be in the dark again."

"We already died bloody Sammy, more then once, when its time for us to go… permanently, we are gonna go to together, and you will not be alone in the dark again okay?"

"Promise?"

"Yeah I promise, now get up, shower and shave your damn face."


End file.
